Movie Review: If I Had Legs I’d Kick You

Linda (Rose Byrne) is hanging on to her sanity by a thread. Her daughter (Delaney Quinn), who could generously be referred to as a “handful”, is suffering from a serious illness that requires frequent medical care. Her husband is gone for weeks at a time. The ceiling in her apartment has collapsed, forcing her to relocate to a dodgy motel. Her therapist (Conan O’Brien) seems detached and unhelpful. Even her child’s doctor (Mary Bronstein) and the medical office’s parking attendant (Mark Stolzenberg) seem to have it out for her. In fact, the only person who seems to have any interest in offering any kindness at all is fellow motel resident James (A$AP Rocky), who she in turn treats terribly. As everything in her life continues to go wrong and her growing lack of sleep catches up to her, she begins roaming the neighborhood alone and experiencing eerie phenomena, all while repeatedly reaching out for help that doesn’t seem to be coming.

Writer and director Mary Bronstein has mashed together bits and pieces of various genres to put us into the mind of a person on the brink like few have ever done before. With sardonic wit, an eye for the absurd, and a masterful ability to generate almost unbearable tension, she keeps her audience riveted. As one problem after another piles up and Linda continues to feel ever more isolated, all while the disembodied voice of her daughter runs on in a steady stream of demands in the background, it’s all too easy to imagine ourselves going mad in her shoes.

Byrne gives an absolute powerhouse of a performance in the role, chewing into the sort of demanding part that many actors and actresses only dream of landing and all but ensuring accolades will be coming her way this awards season. O’Brien is also well cast as the therapist and A$AP Rocky is a magnetic presence whenever he appears on screen. Keeping the daughter unnamed and off camera for almost the entire film is a bold and brilliant move that keeps our sympathies firmly aligned with Linda while also visualizing her thoughts on their dynamic, but Quinn still impresses in what amounts to a voice role.

This may be the year’s most stressful movie. Most of us can relate to going through periods when it feels like the world is actively fighting against us, and I suspect that parents, particularly those shouldering most or all of the responsibility by themselves can especially do so. If I Had Legs I’d Kick You uses the language of film and some touches of magical realism to capture the feeling flawlessly and convincingly while also never forgetting to entertain. Bronstein has shown herself here to be an exciting voice, who can get us to chuckle while grasping our armrests before utterly devastating us with a single line or word. Beautifully strange, relentlessly tense, and utterly unforgettable. ★★★★★